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QUOTES
The worst thing about being a pie-thrower is that the whole league knows you have no arm.
 Duane Kuiper, SF vs Detroit, 6/19/05

I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm an alarmist. Woody Allen

There is infinite hope - but not for us. Franz Kafka

We are as gods, so we might as well get good at it.
 Stewart Brand

There are only two stories in all of literature: a man goes on a journey, a stranger comes to town.
 Tolstoy

Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
 Rules for a gunfight

It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye.
 Mikey Monger

Filmmaking is athletics over aesthetics. (Cinema) does not come from abstract academic thinking, it comes from the knees and thighs. Werner Herzog

In the end, there will be cockroaches, Cher, and fleet vehicles.
 Photog

You're higher than a poet on payday.
 Jinx

...colder than a mother-in-law's kiss.
Tappet Bros

I have found that anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the Northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it is going to be called realistic.
Flannery O'Connor

...just like a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Wessie

There's things that gnaw on a man worse than death.
Lauran Paine

We are motorcycle people; we walk tall and we laugh at whatever's funny.
We shit on the chests of the Weird.
Hunter S. Thompson

Rational thought imposes a limit on a person's relation with the cosmos.
John Nash

What is now proved was only once imagined.
William Blake

Nothing regresses like progress. ee cummings

Before you build a better mousetrap, it helps to know if there are any mice out there.
Yogi Berra

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde

Humor is like a frog. If you dissect it, it dies.
Mark Twain

If I take just one step to one side, I create weeks more work for myself.
Paul Cezanne

A variety of nothing is better than a monotony of something. Amy Spindler

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford

Strap a piece of toast - butter side up - to the back of a cat. Throw the cat out the window. Will it land on it's feet, or will Murphy's Law apply?
Alan Fletcher

In dog years, I'm dead.
Gauloises

Only a fool tests the water with both feet. African proverb

I like a view but I like to sit with my back to it.
Gertrude Stein

Anyone can write a boring artistic song. Pop music is the hardest shit to write.
Britney Spears

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
Mariah Carey

We may be drunk, but we're way ahead of schedule.
David Lee Roth

People were uglier then, but they made better music. Kid Rock, on the music of the seventies

Appreciating crap is fine art.
Veronica Lee

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
Margaret Mead

The man who cannot imagine a horse galloping on a tomato is an idiot.
Andre Breton

When I fed the poor, they called me a saint. When I asked why they were poor, I was called a communist.
Dom Helder Camara

Nothing happens until something moves. Albert Einstein

Three o'clock in the morning is always too early or too late for anything you want to do.
Jean Paul Sartre

I thought I told you to shut up.
Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman

You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!
Stewie Griffin

It was a bad lobster and deserved to die.
Photog

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
Anon

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
Anon

Intolerant people should be shot.
Asa

I'm a little shitbird, short and stout.
G Anthony Bishop

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity. Ann Coulter

Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash.
Hondo

The burble of my exhaust unwound like a long cord behind me. Soon my speed snapped it, and I heard only the cry of the wind which my battering head spilt and fended aside. The cry rose with my speed to a shriek while the air's coldness streamed like two jets of iced water into my dissolving eyes. I screwed them to slits and focused my sight 200 yards ahead of me on the empty mosaic of the tar's gravelled undulations.
T.E. Lawrence, 1936

This is the first postmodern conflict because we are definitely at war, but we don't know who the enemy is.
Chris Stephen

Even a prophet will splatter at 180 mph. Nachtflug

If you see something you've seen before, don't click the shutter.
Alexey Brodovich

Taking a portrait is like seducing someone.
Diane Arbus

Giving a camera to Diane Arbus is like putting a live grenade in the hands of a child.
Norman Mailer

Nothing is ever the same as they said it was.
Diane Arbus

Oh, the pathology of the American obsession with success!
John Parker

Lisette Model believed herself... psychic, clairvoyant and so sensitive that she would lock up her photographs each night so their souls wouldn't get at her. Patricia Bosworth

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Harpeaux

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.
Frank Zappa

It's good to be here. It's good to be anywhere.
Keith Richards

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. Grant Wood, painter

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Albert Einstein

Appealing workplaces are to be avoided. One wants a room with no view, so imagination can meet memory in the dark. Annie Dillard

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller

Be brave, right through, and leave for the unknown.
Rabindranath Tagore

The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Bruce Mau

Computers are useless, they can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I’ve made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
George Bernard Shaw

Flops are part of life’s menu and I’m never a girl to miss out on a course.
Rosalind Russell

For i have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights of sleeping, worked too hard and too long in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I've lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as consequence, not as punishment. I did not want to surrender fierceness for a small gain in yardage.
John Steinbeck

Passion is for teenagers and immigrants. Marge Simpson

You shitty cat. Craig, you are a bad cat. I hate you, Craig. Don't look at me.
Rabia

Some asshole threatened to shoot my bird on the internet.
DakotaDakar

Time flies like an arrow, fruitflies like a banana. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Hunter S. Thompson

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos! ("You stupid machine! Give me my soda or give me my money back!")
Pthagonal

Softer spring?!? Go drink a lot of beer, gain some weight and ride the bike like a man. At 145 lbs, shouldn't you be in a car seat? Jimmy Lewis

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem. ("In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.")
Dagwood

When forced to choose between two evils, I pick the one I have not tried before.
Mae West

I want the frimfram sauce with the ossanfay, and shaffafa on the side.
Nat King Cole

There is nothing worse than a brilliant image of a fuzzy concept. Ansel Adams

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
Mohandas Gandhi

I hope to stay unemployed as a war photographer till the end of my life.
Robert Capa

Unless a picture shocks, it is nothing.
Marcel Duchamp

Stare. It is the way to educate your eye, and more. Stare, pry, listen, eavesdrop. Die knowing something. You are not here long.
Walker Evans

The only nature I'm interested in is my own nature. Aaron Siskind

Hardening of the categories causes art disease.
W. Eugene Smith

You can't depend on your eyes if your imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain

In my view you cannot claim to have seen something until you have photographed it.
Emile Zola

It is surely time for men to think for themselves, and to throw off the authority of names so artificially magnified.
Thomas Jefferson

I have always strenuously supported the right of every man to his own opinion, however different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies another this right makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself the right of changing it. Thomas Paine, 1783

Free speech exercised both individually and through a free press, is a necessity in any country where people are themselves free.
Theodore Roosevelt, 1918

The truth is found when men are free to pursue it.
Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1936

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.
George Orwell, 1945

Any time we deny any citizen the full exercise of his constitutional rights, we are weakening our own claim to them.
Dwight David Eisenhower, 1963

What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant.
Robert F. Kennedy, 1964

Go fuck yourself.
Dick Cheney, 2004

If I'd killed her on our wedding night, I'd be getting outta prison by now. Doc Riverz

I'm not fat, I'm a recovering anorexic.
Cap'n Huggie

In your lifetime, you'll spend at least six months sitting on a toilet.
Anon

I'm as confused as a baby in a tittie bar.
Anon

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Voovoo

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close. Waterboy

I had the right to remain silent, but not the ability.
Ron White

By the time we've made it, we've had it.
Malcolm Forbes

Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.
Jerry Garcia

98% of all Harley Davidson are still on the road. The other 2% actually made it home.
Anonymous

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. Unknown

Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit. FunGus

Generally, lighting the deck on fire with brake cleaner wasn't smart, regardless of what good intentions you had. Wayne Weber

When in doubt - f8 @ 1/60th.
Alexander Lowry

I am for an art that is political-erotical-mystical, that does something other than sit on its ass in a museum. I am for an art that grows up not knowing it is art at all, an art given the chance of having a starting point of zero. I am for an art that embroils itself with the everyday crap & still comes out on top. I am for an art that takes its form from the lines of life itself, that twists and extends and accumulates and spits and drips, and is heavy and coarse and blunt and sweet and stupid as life itself.
Claes Oldenburg

Enjoy pain while living, for death provides no such pleasure. Jimmy Lewis

He who kills for revenge better dig two graves.
Chinese Proverb

If you're going to dine with them cannibals, darling, sooner or later you're going to get eaten.
Nick Cave

There are two things in this world I really can't stand - people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the bloody Dutch.
Nigel Powers

The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off.
David Icke

The Kiowas reckoned their stature by the distance they could see.
N. Scott Momaday

Every day when I get home I have to drink a sixpack of Heineken just to keep myself from cutting your fucking head off and putting it in a duffle bag. Sam Kinison

I go from one place to the next, to the next, to the next. If I travel through America, it’s my life that travels through America. I’m curious about that life, and being there becomes sort of part of my life. And then when I get thrown out, or I am tired, I leave.
Robert Frank

He was a big man, wide-shouldered, with the lean, hard-boned face of the desert rider. Keen and hard as blade steel, he needed no nursing from a steenking sucksack strapped to his back.
That one dead western writer that's channelling Shibumi without his consent

The problem is you only have three settings: "Dim, Flicker, and Off."
Jinx

Life is a blur of television and meat.
Frankenstein Jones

No hour of life is lost that is spent in the saddle. Winston Churchill

Bikini football takes the sting out of the Apocalypse.
Fronch

Lies! You're lying! You're all lying against my boys!
Ma Barker

I smashed his face. He got wise. He called me a punk. He must have been stupid.
Hell's Angel, explaining to a stranger

For many are called, but few are chosen.
St. Matthew

Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. John Milton, Paradise Lost

Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and the absurd, the infinite shapes of the human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin.
Frank Moore Colby

He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
Dr. Johnson

All my life my heart has sought a thing I cannot name.
Remembered line from a long-forgotten poem

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

I worship the very quicksand you walk on. Art Buchwald

She walks the very ground I worship.
St. Huck

Love to eat those Mousies, thats what I loves to eat, bite they little heads off nibble on they tiny feet.
Kliban

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. (*tap* tap) This thing on?
Ronald Reagan

Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube.
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Chance favors the prepared mind. St. Huck

Our leaders are supposed to lead, not follow the appetite of the mob.
Dan Arnold

There is, after all, not a pig's eye worth of difference between going head-on into a Peterbilt or sideways into the bleachers.
Dr. Hunter S Thompson

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
Daniel Boone

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do, than by the ones that you did do.
Mark Twain

You gotta love a girl with a tattoo, because you know she is capable of decisions that she will regret later in life. Mickey Curry

You jump into the abyss and find it only goes up to your knees.
Nick Cave

Little Ulysses has turned to putty.
Nick Cave

My wife has a friend who plays the harp and goes to hospitals to play for terminally ill patients. I can't think of a worse fate than laying in a hospital bed full of tubes and unable to communicate while some dumb fucking do-gooder sits there playing a goddamn harp, and me unable to get away.
Lil' Erv

Be always sure you're right, then go ahead.
Davy Crockett

The older I get, the faster I was. St. Huck

I disavow all accusations that I'm too bashful to get undressed in front of my pets.
Petonic

Next time you want to get married, just buy her a house and give it to her instead.
Finley Fryer

It ain't the heat - it's the humility.
Yogi Berra

Some people go through life wondering if they've made a difference in the world. Marines don't have that problem.
Ronald Reagan

Away, you scullion! You rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe. William Shakespeare

Work is the bane of the riding class.
Darryl Richman

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed; second, it is violently opposed; and third, it is accepted as self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

The camera lies at 24 frames per second.
Brian DePalma

First, God made idiots.
Mark Twain

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
St. Huck

Now step aside, look upon life as a disinterested spectator: many a drama will turn into a comedy. It is enough for us to stop our ears to the sound of music in a room, where dancing is going on, for the dancers at once to appear ridiculous. How many human actions would stand a similar test?
French philosopher Henri Bergson

Leopards break into the temple and drink to the dregs what is in the sacrificial pitchers; this is repeated over and over again; finally it can be calculated in advance, and it becomes a part of the ceremony.
Franz Kafka (translated)

Just when you think no one has taken any notice to your birthday, here come two friends with an empty honey pot and a broken balloon.
Eeyore

You're living in a fool's paradise.
St. Huck

I may have fucked my life up flatter than hammered shit, but I stand here before you today beholden to no human cocksucker. Ellsworth (character of Deadwood)

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
Thoreau

(New York): a maze of unorganized experiences peopled by the unexpected.
Robert Rauschenberg

When design drives performance, performance responds in kind.
St. Huck

...and i got news for all you chopper riders, there ain't 14 million cool people in this world, so quit pretending.
Snoid

I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do. Dan Arnold

Out of every assembly line, there's always a few rejects.
Paul Patterson

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
Voltaire

I hate flowers - I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move.
Georgia O'Keeffe

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, solve equations, pitch manure, program a computer, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
Lazarus Long

The artwork of Utopia is very, very dull.
Asa Gilmore

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
General William Westmoreland, on why the media should be controlled in wartime.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Woody Allen

Do not fail to obey the laws of reciprocity.
The Glimmer Twins

I can't afford to miss a moment of darknuss.
Asa Gilmore

To hate everyone, you must first learn to hate yourself.
Rice

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor

Fall has come to Coarsegold. Leaves are falling like bills out of C-130s carpet-bombing the Halliburton executive offices.
Fronch

No one wants advice - only corroboration.
John Steinbeck

Silence is golden - duct tape is silver.
TShirt

Those who would sacrifice essential liberties for a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Ben Franklin

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell

Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God's the guy that ignores you.
Steve Buscemi's character, "The Island"

There's something very disturbing about watching masses of people listening intently to someone with whom they completely agree.
Magwa

Freedom is just Chaos with better lighting.
Alan Dean Foster

Surrounded by do-rags and wifebeater undershirts, I stand out like a radioactive circus clown.
Joliet Jake

Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that faster is better. I've always believed this, in spite of the trouble it's caused me. Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube.
That is why God made fast motorcycles, Bubba.
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make half the world fools and half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the world.
Thomas Jefferson

They are designed by alcoholics to be driven by drunks.
Anon, speaking of Ural motorcycles

Water that is too pure has no fish.
Frederick Sommer

If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Scoop Nisker

Art is long, life is short, and success is very far off.
Joseph Conrad

No Vietcong ever called me nigger.
Muhammad Ali

Kill the head, and the body will die.
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

All my life my heart has sought a thing I cannot name.
Anon

One owes respect to the living: to the dead one owes only the truth.
Voltaire

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest poison is Time.
Emerson

I think we're in Rat's Alley, where the dead men lost their bones.
T. S. Eliot

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
Carl Sandburg

Order is chaos in a straitjacket.
James Baldwin

You are better lost than found.
Anon

He crawled with lepers and lawyers, but he was tall on his own hind legs when he walked at night with the King.
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Inspiration does not exist.
Auguste Rodin

Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you'd be outside, and your dog would be in.
Mark Twain

An endless fascination with the green light at the end of the pier.
Joseph Conrad

I measure my childhood by the whuppings I received.
St. Huck

When night dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.
William Shakespeare

People need to be attached to something greater than their cars and TV's.
St. Huck

My higher quality work is not for sale.
Anon

Can't cut clouds with a knife, can't chop thunder with an axe.
Thomas Sanchez

The more you know, the more you suffer.
Anon

I'm running through hell in a gasoline jacket.
St. Huck

When you lose your sense of humor, you lose your nerve.
Halton

Frenzied women, no matter how delicately reared, when eating their god uncooked and alive, will likely make a mess.
Frederick Sommer

Life without an object to pursue is a languid and tiresome thing.
Francis Bacon

Go cough up your own bloody hairball, you human paraquat.
Asa

I'll add some more pics after my "Having a Baby" training my wife signed us up for tonight. I don't know what the big deal is, I drop her at the hospital, I pass out some cigars, and pick her up the next day or so when the keg is empty.
Southeast US Thumper

Cria cuervo. (Raise ravens and they’ll peck out your eyes)
Spanish proverb

A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
Andy D

Doubt is the handmaiden of faith, for without doubt no faith is required.
Oswald Spengler

Helicopters are to aviation as sidecars are to motorcycling: goofy looking, tricky to drive, occasionally incredibly useful and piloted by cult-like oddballs.
Will Outlaw

He reproduced himself with so much humble objectivity, with the unquestioning, matter of fact interest of a dog who sees himself in a mirror and thinks: there’s another dog.
Rainier Maria Rilke

I'll tell you what -- at that age, I'll be cutting grass in my backyard.
David Ortiz (re: Roger Clemens pitching at 45 years old)

To those reindeer lickin' icebacks up north, everything is illegal except for coffee and doughnuts in the church basement after the Sons Of Norway meetin'.
Unruly

Even a garbage can gets a steak once in a while.
Hodakaguy

You can't roll a joint on a iPod.
Shelby Lynne, when asked why she prefers vinyl over digital.

I still feel slightly uneasy that we're licensing folks to carry firearms who need advice on how to take a crap.
McB

Am I not a man? And is a man not stupid? I'm a man, so I married. Wife, children, house, everything. The full catastrophe.
Zorba the Greek

Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Genius all over the world stands hand in hand, and one shock of recognition runs the whole circle round.
Herman Melville

To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
Carl Sagan

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.
Isak Dinesen

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. With it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P.J. O'Rourke

I'm Irish. I think about death all the time.
Jack Nicholson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle.
Anon

Honey, there ain't no difference. In the church we say 'Jesus,' and in the blues we say 'baby.'
Sippie Wallace

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Of course there's a lot of misery, but it's the same misery that's all around us. The trees are in misery, and the birds are in misery. I don't think they sing; they just screech in pain.
Werner Herzog

All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer.
Robert Owen

The Buddha resides as comfortably in the circuits of a digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain.
Robert Pirsig

Cold? If the thermometer had been an inch longer, we'd all have frozen to death.
Mark Twain

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.
Tom Stoppard

We're going out, Marge. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.
Homer Simpson

There is more simplicity to a man who eats caviar on impulse than a man who eats grape-nuts on principle.
G.K. Chesterton

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
Carl Jung

I've decided that you should listen to me.
Mario Rubino

You can have affection for a murderer, but you cannot have an affection for a man whose breath stinks.
George Orwell

The guitar makes dreams weep.
Federico Garcia Lorca

The only thing worse than a guitar is a guitarist.
Lydia Lunch

The cat sat on the mat is not a story. The cat sat on the other cat’s mat is a story.
John le Carré

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Charlie Chaplin

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
Woody Allen

I'll bet you one Crusade, and raise you one Inquisition.
Magwa

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
M. Cartmill

Doom am I, full-ripe, dealing death to the worlds, engaged in devouring mankind. Even without slaying them, not one of the warriors, ranged for battle against thee, shall survive.
Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 11, Verse 32

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Don't worry about the horse being blind - just load the wagon.
John Madden

Insults for Every Occasion:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee."
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."
Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows."
The Earl of Sandwich


"That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."
John Wilkes' response to The Earl of Sandwich

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill